Site Tools
User Tools
You are here: start » items » food » meat

This is an old revision of the document!

Meat

This article was (largely) imported from the Old Wiki and may not be entirely accurate. Please don't create new articles directly from the redlinks - put them in appropriate namespaces!

Brought to you by old wiki editors1), we present: the big big big table of meat sources. Should probably put some text here explaining what meat actually does and where you can learn to cook it but eh, one thing at a time.2)

Rules of Thumb

  • If it's human, it probably has 1 Crap Meat, 2 Half-Decent, and 1 Tasty. Exceptions show up depending on how fit/obese the human in question is and how many there are. Fat humans (like Santa) tend to have crap meat, and fit humans tend to have Tasty meat.
  • If it's an object that ought to be inanimate or mechanical, there is no meat. Period.
  • Zombies are generally bad eating. Except the Zombified Luciano Pavarotti; he counts as Human for some reason.
  • Jokers are poisonous!3)
  • Squats at best have 2 half-decent meat, and otherwise usually just have lots of crap meat.
  • Small animals, insects, and microscopic organisms usually only have one slice of Meat; rarely is it worth the Stamina to clean them.
  • The Lion cannot be cleaned, because the Lion cannot be killed, only dissuaded.
  • Remember, you are after Tasty Meat if you're looking solely for Stamina purposes. Try to fill your cooking pot as much as possible. Pad it with Half-Decent if you have insufficient Tasty Meat, or continue slaughtering.
  • If you're looking to sell off your excess for profit, make sure you know which outposts accept which. Kittania accepts only the Tasty stuff (12 req each), SquatHole recycles Crap Meat (2 req) and New Home aims for the middle (6 req), as does New Pittsburgh.4)
  • This is improbable Island, any and all facts here may be lies or at least statistics.

Of course, you may find it satisfying to find out everything on your own, perhaps using this handy Greasemonkey script to track what meats come off what.

Monster Meat (A)Mounts

Monster CrapHalf-DecentTasty
A G-nother G-nu 1 2 3
Admiral Flufferson 0 2 0
Adult Mouldywarp 0 1 6
Albert 1 2 1
Ambush Hamster 0 0 1
Angry squat 2 1 0
Animated Aubergine 1 0 0
Another Goddamn Monster 1 2 3
Anti-Busker 1 1 2
Anthropomorphosized Circular Saw Philosopher 1 2 1
Araneafelis Gigantea 0 0 5
Archaeopteryx 1 2 1
Armoured Housefly 1 0 0
Army of Hippopotami 0 0 4 (x8)
Atinlay Igpay 0 0 3
Bar Fly 2 1 0
Bear Strapped to the Back of Another Bear 0 0 8
Bees and Ants 10 0 0
Beholder of the Behinder 1 2 1
Berserk Gardener 1 2 1
Bert & Ernie 2 2 0
Betentacled Horror 0 0 5
Bettie the Amazing Kung-Fu Butterfly 1 0 0
Bicyclops 2 0 1
Blair Hippo 7 0 0
Blonde Heiress 4 2 0
Bluebird of Happiness 1 1 0
Bookface 2 0 0
Broadway Extra 1 2 1
Bumbling Ally 1 2 1
Cafeteria Lady 1 0 0
Canadian Mosquito 1 0 0
Canned Leeches 2 0 0
Cattywampus 7 0 0
Cereal Killer 2 1 1
Cloned Diehard Harry Potter Fan 0 3 0
Cloud of Reporters 0 10 0
Completely Rational Monster 10 0 0
Concerned Parent 1 2 1
Conglomeration of Probable Creatures 20 0 0
Conservative Party Advocate 4 0 0
Copy Cat 0 2 2
Count of Monte Python 1 2 1
Crab Herdism 0 0 5
Crafty Joker 1 2 1
Crap Meat 5 1 4
Crazed Tech Support Rep 1 2 1
Creature from a Dodgy Anime 25 0 0
Creepy Looking Guy in a Trenchcoat 1 2 1
Cryptic Questions Joker 1 2 1
Custodian of the Slushpile of Doom 1 2 1
Cyrano DeBergerac 1 2 1
Dali the Four-Clawed Lobster 0 0 4
Dan 1 2 1
David Attenborough 1 2 1
Death or Cake Man 1 1 2
Delicious Soup 0 0 1
Delusional, Blue-Spandex-Wearing Lunatic 1 0 1
Delusional, Green-Spandex-Wearing Lunatic 0 1 1
Delusional Lunatic 0 1 0
Devil 1 1 2
Dick 2 1 2
Dingo-Eating Baby 0 0 2
Diplomat 1 2 1
Dirty Chippy 5 0 0
Diseased Lung 6 0 0
Disney Historical Accuracy Department 1 2 1
Disney Historical Fallacy Department 1 2 1
Doggymorph 10 0 0
Don of the Dead 1 2 1
Draughtsbeast 0 2 4
Drunken Nudist 1 2 1
Duck & Penguin in Spats 1 1 2
Dump Truck Operator 1 2 1
Earwigs 3 0 0
Elrod Gulch 1 2 0
Emily the Buxom Barmaid 1 1 2
Emo Boy 1 2 1
Emu 1 1 2
Enchanted Stewpot 5 2 0
Evolution's Greatest Failure 2 2 3
Fat Butcher 2 1 2
Father Time 1 2 1
Felonious Skunk 3 0 0
Feral Budget Horse 2 2 0
Feral Kittybikes 3 3 3
Fiddler on the Roof 1 2 1
Fire Alarm 1 2 1
Fire-Breathing Kangaroo 1 2 3
Filthy Thieving Squats 10 0 0
Flesh-Eating Virus 1 2 3
Flock of Fanboys 4 2 2
Flock of Migratory Teakettles 3 1 0
Flock of Swallows 3 1 0
Flying Helper Monkey 2 2 0
Flying Hipster Pig 0 1 4
Flying Sea Serpent 4 1 0
Flying Spaghetti Monster 5 2 0
Foilwench 2 2 0
Foreign Meatloaf Dinner 1 0 2
Foreign Traveler 1 0 2
Gary Gygax 1 2 1
Gary Larson 2 2 1
Generic Monster 1 1 1
Giant Squat 4 0 0
Giant Teddy Bear 3 1 0
Goddamn Aye-aye 3 1 0
Gordon the Cheese Eater 2 1 1
Gothic Romantic Heroine 1 2 1
Grammar Police 2 2 1
Great-Aunt Alice 3 2 1
Grue 0 5 1
Guerilla Gorilla 3 3 0
Guy Who Keeps Running Behind You 2 1 1
Ham Bush 0 0 3
Harry Potter Reenactor 1 2 1
Hannibal Lecture 0 2 4
Health and Safety Inspector 1 2 1
Hiker 0 2 2
Hippopotamus 0 0 4
Hover Leech (Canned Leeches) 2 0 0 (x6)
Humongous Giant Clam 0 0 6
Humanmorph 1 2 1
Immortal Slasher Villain 3 2 2
Insurance Salesman 1 1 3
Interrupting Cow 0 2 5
Jokosquabotantmorph 1 2 1
Kentucky Fried Zombie 6 0 0
Kierkegaard 1 2 1
Lame Ass 3 2 1
Land Shark 0 1 4
Lemming 0 1 0
Little Old Lady 3 1 0
Lolrus 1 1 1
Loud Hecklers 2 2 1
Mad Scrabble Player 1 2 1
Madness Duck 2 3 0
Man from the Ministry 1 1 1
Master of Disguise 2 1 0
Mathematician 1 2 1
Member of Doktor Improbable Lovers Anonymous 1 2 1
Mephistopheles, Duck of Hell 0 3 0
Metamorphic Mess 0 0 1
Meter Maid 1 2 1
Madness Duck 2 3 0
Militant Pacifist 3 3 0
Milk Beast 4 0 0
Mini-Minotaur 0 1 2
Mongol Hordette 0 2 2
Monkey Ghostwriter Franchise 1 2 4
Monster At The End of This Path 1 1 1
Moose 1 2 4
Motorcycle Daredevil 1 2 0
Mouldywarp 1 2 3
NASCAR Fan 1 2 0
Network Sponsor 1 2 0
Ninjas 0 0 4 (x4)
Nitro Bunny 0 3 0
Occam's Razorback 3 2 1
Octophant 1 6 1
Old Crippled Beggar 1 1 0
Ooze 1 0 0
Orc 7 2 0
Oronte 1 2 1
Pacifist 3 1 0
Pack of Chewing Gum 1 0 0
Panthzer 0 0 10
Passive-Aggressive Co-worker 1 1 2
People on Streets 1 2 1
Phony Psychic 1 2 1
Pile of Uncooked Meat 0 0 5
Pinball Wizard 2 1 1
Pizza That Time Forgot 2 0 0
Play on Words 1 0 0
Poisonous Strangler Vines of Doom 1 0 0
Pope 1 1 2
Potato News Caster 2 1 1
Poultrygeist 2 1 1
Predatory Petitioner 1 1 2
Pretentious Jerks 1 2 1
Professional Romance Writer 1 1 1
Puppies of a Minor Diplomatic Incident 0 1 4 (x6)
Purple People Eater 4 2 0
Quivering Flesh Heap 10 0 0
Rabid Suburban Squirrel Hive 12 0 0
Rat Pack 1 0 0
Ravening Bugblatter Beast of Aaaaaaaaarrrgh 3 4 5
Red Herring 0 0 1
Reginald, Your Paper Boy 1 2 1
Rejected Monsters 20 0 0
Religious Zombie 4 0 0
Reluctant Cannibal 2 2 0
Reluctant Rabbits 2 4 2
Rind Flayer 1 2 1
Robert Catesby 1 2 1
Rodent Of Unusual Size 4 0 0
Rogue Orrery 1 1 2
Rude Duplicate Creature 1 2 1
Rush Hour Driver 1 1 1
S-Trumpet 1 2 1
Santa 5 1 0
Schrodinger's Other Cat 3 0 0
Scotsman Clad in Kilt 2 2 0
Scrabble Players Anonymous 1 2 1
Season Three Test Monster 20 0 0
Self-Conscious Dwarf 2 0 0
Seth the Handsome Bard 1 2 1
Seven Filthy Thieving Squats 10 0 0
Seventy-Headed Hellhound 50 0 0
Shaggy Dog 0 4 0
Sigmund Freud 1 2 1
Sinister Dexter 1 1 1
Smog 4 2 4
Snake Oil Salesman 4 4 0
Society of British Bedstead Men 1 2 1
Socktopus 8 0 0
Someone Else's Quest Monster 3 2 1
Someone With Caterpillars in Their Vagina 1 3 1
Son of Budget Cow 1 2 2
Son of Budget Horse 1 2 2
Sorority Girl in Nightie 1 2 2
SpiderKitty 2 0 1
SpiderMorph 7 3 0
Squat Paladin 2 0 0
Squat Plumber 3 1 0
Squat Zombie Mutant 7 1 0
Squat with Fungal Infection 4 0 0
Squats from the Travel Agency 12 0 0
Squats from the Train Station 12 0 0
Squats with Matching Factory Uniforms 2 2 1
Squicky the Bunny 0 0 1
Star Wars Nerd 2 2 0
Stereotypical Severe Nun 2 1 2
Storm Snail 2 1 1
Strict Non-Smoker 1 2 1
Tall Squat 4 0 0
Team Awesome 5 0 0
That Cutie from Work 1 2 3
The Angler 1 2 1
The Eggman 1 1 2
The Guy Who Couldn't Beat Tom Carney 1 2 1
The Unreality of Time 1 2 1
The Walrus 0 2 3
Thesaurus Rex 1 2 3
The Tooth Fairy 0 0 1
Thing in the Attic 0 1 0
Thing from the Back Of The Fridge 2 0 0
This Guy 2 3 1
Three Droogs 3 3 0
Three French Hens 0 0 5 (x3)
Three-Toed Sloth 3 0 0
Tom Cruise 1 2 1
Totally Baffling Reference 1 2 3
Tour Guide 1 1 2
Towel-less Hitchhiker 1 2 1
Turkey 1 2 3
Typical Squaresoft Hero 0 5 0
Typo Gremlin 7 0 0
Unbeatable Monster 0 0 4
Undead Dreaming Catfish God 0 0 4
Unicycle Entertainer 1 2 1
Union Member With Seniority 1 2 1
Unlicensed Plastic Surgeon 2 1 1
Unlucky Bastard 1 1 1
Uranium Man 10 0 0
Urbane Antagonist 4 2 1
Vampire-Bat Prince 4 3 0
Vegan Zombie 6 0 0
Velociraptor 1 3 0
Veteran Player 0 2 2
Vigilante 1 2 1
Violin Suspense 0 2 4
Walrus 3 2 3
Washed-Up Celebrity 1 2 1
Weatherman 1 2 0
Well-Meaning Moron 1 2 1
Whale 10 0 5
Whining Old-School Gamer 2 1 1
Whopper with Cheese 3 0 0
Wild Horses 0 4 4 (x6)
Wild Monkeys 0 6 0
Wizard of Yendor 1 2 2
Wolpertinger 4 4 0
Work Experience Lads 2 1 0
Yesterday's Salad 1 0 0
Your Future Self 1 2 1
Your In-Laws 4 0 0
Your Own Tongue 0 0 1
Your Past Self 1 2 1
Your Pasta Self 2 1 0
Your Present Self 1 2 1
Zen Master 1 1 2
Zombie Kitten 5 0 0
Zombie Puppy 4 0 0
Zombie Worm 1 0 0
Zombified Luciano Pavarotti 1 2 1
40's Glam Rocker 1 2 1

Incredible but true is the fact that crap meat has found its way out of Improbable Island into the real world: Crap Meat Sandwich5)

1)
Specifically Kepra, Seor, Antalin, Duphenix, Corinne, Mr. Infrablack, Kuroiten, and Reverb - this is one of the few with credits!
2)
Maybe also a list of what level each can be hunted at?
3)
As in, inedible - you can't actually eat one.
4)
Note that these prices are pitiful and selling meat is generally useless.
5)
Dead link – fish this out of archive.org?
items/food/meat.1702383352.txt.gz · Last modified: 2023/12/12 12:15 by clarissadunst