The Skronky Prizes

Chlamydia and Big Su Skronky are having a conflab. Chlamydia has had an idea, and she's pitching it to Sewage. “There's a lot of talent in Squat Hole.” Sewage concurs. This is well known to everybody. “But a lot of it gets missed.”

Chlamydia Skronky warms to her theme. “So, letz 'ave prizes for the best talent there is. Prizes for achievment in chemustry, medicin, lit…liter…writin' fings, and a special prize for peace. We'll call 'em the Skronky Prizes to make 'em dead prestigious loik.”

Chlamydia Skronky “Imagine that, the Skronky Peace Prize! It'll mean everybody's talkin about uz Skronkys and 'ow we support learnin' fings and peace! We'll 'ave a panel of 'ighly respected Squats to choose oo gets the prizes, and make 'em open to anybody on the Island loik.”

Sewage Skronky likes the idea, especially the bit about how everybody would be talking about the Skronkys, but there's one part that she's not sure about. “Make 'em open to anybody? I furt that they woz jus' for Squats?”

Chlamydia Skronky “Well 'oo else iz gonna win 'em? Everybody knowz that Squats iz the cleverest species on the Island. And the most peace lovin'. Bound to be Squats wot win 'em innit?”

Chlamydia Skronky “Oil head the panel, oil get some other Squats to 'elp me, Mundungous 'ere say.” she points to Mundungous Hobbes the great Squat philosopher who is currently in his permanent position propping up the bar “And we'll give the winnerz a voucher for a free kebab.”

Sewage Skronky is satisfied with the whole idea. “You do that. We'll giz you a few days to come up wiv the prize winners, and then we'll 'old a ceremony to award them 'ere in Booz loik, innit?”

Thus the Skronky prizes are born.

The anticipated day has arrived - the day of the Skronky Prizes award ceremony. Booz is packed full of Squats, most of whom are hoping to have won a prize. There is no shortage of talent in Squat Hole it would seem.

Big Su Skronky feels that she has to introduce the ceremony properly. She climbs up onto the bar to give a speech. “Ahem, ahem, ah. . .SHUT THE FOOK UP YER FOOKIN DICK'EADS. . . Roit now. Az everybody nows, there'z lotz of talent in Squat Hole.”

Sewage Skronky “Lotz of cleverness, cos Squat Hole's full of Squats, and Squats are the cleverest race on the Island.” There's lots of murmers of agreement and thoughtful head noddings at this statement, it touches a chord in many Squats' hearts.

Sewage Skronky “But a lot of people don't realise 'ow clevur Squats are.” More nods of agreement. “Thatz why us, Sewage Skronkys, came up wiv the idea to start a prestigious prize to the clevurest folk on the Island, the Skronky Prizes.”

Sewage Skronky pauses, but the assembled Squats don't realise that there's meant to be applause here. “OY! Wotz wrong wiv you? Ain't you impressed? These iz special Skronky prizes you fackin' ignorant fackers! Letz 'ear some clappin'!”

Sewage Skronky listens to the hurried applause. “Thatz better. Now. Az oi woz sayin'. These prestigious prizes as given oot by uz Skronkys, as people wot loik learnin', to anybody on the Island, so when they're won by Squats, everywun will know that Squats are the clevurest race.”

Sewage Skronky “Oo wins the prestigious prizes woz decided by a panel of some of the most respected names on the Island. We 'ave, as the 'ead of the panel, Chlamydia Skronky!” Sewage waits again. “CLAPPIN'!” Nervous Squats give the appropriate applause.

Sewage Skronky “And she iz 'elped by world famous filo…filos…finker Mundungous Hobbes and our very own artist Maggot Braithwait.” Nervous Squats have started to cotton on, and quickly start to applaud. “WOT THE FOOK ARE YOU CLAPPIN' THEM FOR? You didn't clap for Chlamydia, ooz a Skronky, but yer clap for them dick'eads?”

Sewage Skronky “Wot the fook you finkin' of?” the applause dies down sharply. Maggot, the most enthusiastic clapper, tries to pretend that she was just, er, doing something else with her hands.

Sewage Skronky “Wivoot any more waitin', oil 'and you over to Maggot Braithwait to tell uz ooz won the prizes.” She tries to climb down off the bar, but slips and falls, landing heavily on Ratpiss Jenkins who was just coming to get another pint.

Sewage Skronky “OY! You clumsy fookwitted dick'ed you! Wot do you fink you're doin'?” KICK! Ratpiss, already down, is sent head first into the nearest barrel. Maggot Braithwait climbs up onto the bar and takes over as master of ceremonies.

Maggot Braithwait “'Ello everywun. I'm 'onoured to be able to present to you the winners of the famous und 'ighly prestigious Skronky Prizes. First the Skronky Prize for chemistry. . .

Sewage Skronky interupts her. “The Prestigious Skronky Prize for chemistry.”

Maggot Braithwait “The Prestigious Skronky prize fur chemistry. This woz a 'ard decision to make, cos there's a lot of very clever Squat 'ere.”

Maggot Braithwait “We 'ad a shortlist of free. There woz Talkydoor ooz invention of the Mudwank cocktail 'as made everybody's life better.” The assembled Squats all agree, although contestants who have met a Squat under the influence might see things in a different light.

Maggot Braithwait “There's Effluvia Bird oo did summat or other, and there's the winner. . .Chlamydia Skronky for 'er skills at brewin' the booz thut is so vital to Squat Hole.” There is more applause as Chlamydia climbs up to accept the prize.

Chlamydia Skronky, chair of the judging panel, feigns surprise at the award. “Wot me? Well oi never! Thank you fank you! Wot an 'onour! Uh prestigious Skronky prize! For me! Gis that voucher!” This last to Braithwait who was hoping to keep the prize voucher for herself.

Chlamydia Skronky's prize is a voucher for a free kebab at K&S (with normal terms and conditions - offer open on the fifth Tuesday of every other month, between 4:00am and 4:05 am, to be redeemed as part of any order totaling over 10,000 req, etc. etc.)

Chlamydia Skronky climbs down with her prize, the first ever recipient of a Skronky Prize! A prestigious Skronky prize! Now it's back to Maggot again.

Maggot Braithwait “Next we 'ave the Prestigious Skronky Prize for medicine. Now Squat Hole is well known for itz clever doctors…” viewers of the show at home scratch their heads trying to think of one. ”…and Squats are well known as angels of mercy…“ Really? By who?

Maggot Braithwait “So there woz lotz to choose from. We narrowed it down to free agin. Dudgeon Smith oo came up wiv cure for the cold of beatin' the patient wiv a baseball bat till they stop complainin'.”

Maggot Braithwait “Then there's Bilious Jones oo come up wiv idea of cure for anyfink of stickin' patient 'ead first in the Skronky Pot for a fortnight. But the winner iz. . . Chlamydia Skronky! For 'er fine range of booz, guaranteed to cure anyfink at all.”

Chlamydia Skronky climbs up onto the bar again. “A second prize? For me? 'Ow about that! Another prestigious Skronky Prize…wot an 'onour…don't even fink of 'oldin' onto that voucher! Ooz next then, wotz the next prize?”

Maggot Braithwait “The next prize is the Prestigious Skronky prize for literature, wotuvur the fack thut iz.” Cyril Two-Heads, the Skronkys mutant used for reading and writing, perks up and starts paying attention. He still craves recognition for his Magnum Opus.

Maggot Braithwait might be awarding him the prize! Finally the 258 page epic “Why Doth The Pope Hate Me Like Martin Luther, Charles Darwin and Karl Marx rolled into one?” would get the attention it deserves. Desperation has made a naive fool of Cyril. He should have realised.

Maggot Braithwait is never going to be handing out a prize in his direction. This should be obvious to anybody, even if they weren't listening to Big Su's opening speech, which he wasn't.

Maggot Braithwait “Again. Free people to choose from. Cesspit Williams for some shite or other, Skurvy Seaman for 'is limerick where some of the words even rhyme, and the winner is…” Cyril Two-Heads holds his breath with all his noses.

Maggot Braithwait ”…Chlamydia Skronky!“ Cyril is bitterly disappointed. “For the Drive knows wot.”

Chlamydia Skronky is already up on the bar. “Wot the fook do yer mean? 'Drive knows wot'? Oiv writ the prices of beer up there aint I? Thutz writin' innit? Wot the fook more do you want you cheeky barstud! Gis that vouchure 'ere, now. Wotz the last prize then?”

Big Su Skronky is a suspicious, cynical Squat. She's noticed a pattern emerging amongst all the prize winners tonight, and her suspicions have been aroused. She's been hoping for the Skronky Peace prize herself, and is watching closely who the winner might be.

Maggot Braithwait “And now we come to the last prize, the 'ighly Prestigious Skronky Peace prize. Fook that shite aboot them loosers wot didn't win, the winner of the Skronky Peace prize is…Chlamydia Skronky!!”

Chlamydia Skronky, head of the panel of judges, and by some strange quirk of coincidence the winner of all the prizes, is back on the bar again, acceptance speech at the ready. “Anothr prize for…” but she gets no further.

Sewage Skronky comes storming up. “Oo the fook gave you the fookin Peace prize? Wot the fook 'ave you ever done that you get a Peace Prize? That prize belongz to me!”

Chlamydia Skronky begs to differ. “Wot the fook you on about? Oo sortz out all the foits in 'ere loik? Oo kickz them oot in the street? I don't see you comin' to giz a 'and doin' that!”

Big Su Skronky “Why you cheeky fooker yu! Course the Peace prize is for me! I'm the must peace lovin' person on the Island!” and she gives Chlamydia a peace loving slap round the ear.

Chlamydia Skronky falls off the bar but is back on her feet again straight away with the practiced ease of someone who has spent most of their working life navigating a bar between fights. THWACK. She delivers a pacific punch on the nose to Sewage.

Chlamydia and Big Su Skronky set to in a most peacable way. BAM. A positively irenic left hook to the ear that would impress Mother Theresa. THUD. A knee to the groin worthy of Mahatma Ghandi. BIFF. A sucker punch to the kidneys that would make Nelson Mandela proud.

Chlamydia and Big Su Skronky keep up the good work for some time, leaving nobody in any doubt as to the contributions that the Skronkys have made to world peace.

For more stories from Squat Hole, see here.