The Siege of Booz

Cantankerous Biggs is supposed to be on duty guarding the main gate to Squat Hole. But the monsters are lying low tonight and quite frankly, he'd rather be enjoying a pint and punch up in Booz. However, orders are orders.

Cantankerous Biggs has tried arguing that if any invaders come in, then Booz is their most likely target, being as it is the most important and valuable building in the whole of Squat Hole. In his eyes at least.

Big Su Skronky disagreed with this analysis however, and made her opinions on the subject very clear to Biggs. The Skronky Pot is equally important to her. Futhermore, Biggs is going to “Fookin' well stay where 'ez been put, On the fookin' gate”

So Cantankerous Biggs is stuck out here kicking his heels doing nothing. His attention is suddenly drawn by a sudden movement. Something comes flying over the gate from outside! Further investigation reveals that it is a half eaten kebab.

Cantankerous Biggs isn't the sort of Squat to let such unexpected manna from heaven go to waste. Very few Squat Holians would. They know the value of good food. He goes over to pick it up, a tasty snack on a cold night's gate watch duty.

Cantankerous Biggs' attention is taken up by what is in fact a cunning decoy, and he fails to notice a small group of shadowy figures sneak in through the gates and up Other Shite Road then hide round the back of the clan halls and the Common Ground entrance.

The McThuggers, for it is they, carefully wait until just before New Day. Most of the locals have sent each other to the fail boat by now. Once they return, they'll all be in to Booz for breakfast before a hard days work mining, rolling cigs, or mugging contestants.

The McThuggers pick their moment, then strike! Opprobrium runs round to the front of Booz and runs in screaming. Bilge and Belch quickly cut a hole in the canvas at the back and climb in that way. Other family members follow one or the other.

Now dear reader, you have a decision to make! You can either continue reading about the siege of Booz as seen from Squat Hole town square, or you can read about it from the perspective of being inside Booz The choice is yours! What will you choose? What will you choose?

Time passes. The New day arrives, and with it, failors bringing back the usual large cart of Squats back from the boat. The failors have their customary cigarette while the Squats have their customary first fight of the day.

The failors finish their smokes and take the first casualties back to the failboat. The rest of the returnees go to Booz for their morning pint. Pints.

The returnees however are shocked to find that they can't get in! Word soon goes round. “Booz 'az been taken over!” goes the cry. Such shocking news soon spreads all over Squat Hole.

Big Su Skronky comes marching over as soon as the news reaches her. “Wot the fookz 'appenin' 'ere? Chlamydia you lazy dickhead!” She strides towards Booz, but is repulsed by a bucket of by now cold soapy water thrown at her out of the window. She quickly retreats.

Vulgaris McThugger shouts out of the window. “That's to show you that we'z serious! We'z got Chlamydia and we'z gonna hold 'er for ransom!” Big Su is shocked by this turn of events. “Oo the fook are you?”

Vulgaris McThugger turns round, lifts up her skirt and shows her arse out of the window. A tattoo of a zombie donkey is clearly visible on it. “See that? Does that ring any bells?”

Big Su Skronky gasps. “The McFookers!” “That'z McThuggers.” “Oi say McFookers!” “Well Oi say McThuggers and oiv got your Chlamydia tied up in 'ere! So wot do you say about that then?”

Big Su Skronky has to concede a point, much to her annoyance. So she drops the subject and moves onto the important point. “Wot you want then?” “We're 'oldin' your Chlamydia for a ransom loik. “We want Foiv million recker for 'er safe return!”

Big Su Skronky screeches ”Foiv Milliun recker? For 'er? Are you oot of your fookin' mind? Oo the fook would pay foiv million recker for 'er?“ “Four million then!”

Big Su Skronky ”Four million recker? Oi wuddun't give you two recker and a bar of soap!“ Vulgaris goes quiet. Suddenly there is a roar from Booz, followed by a commotion.

Chlymidia Skronky suddenly appears at the window to Booz. “WOT DID YOU SAY?!?” “You 'eard - oim not gonna fookin pay four million recker for you! Oi wudden pay two recker and a bar of soap!”

Fluffy Morae pads into the outpost, nose wrinkling a bit. However, she did want to explore and see new things, so she decides to stay, slowly looking around.

Vulgaris McThugger is suddenly thrown out of the window. Several Squats are equally suddenly ejected from the door as Chlamydia storms out. “Oim worth fookin ten million - a 'undred million recker you fookin' dick'eaded fookin' dick'ead you!”

Fluffy Morae steps back quickly, doing her best to avoid being hit by a flying squat. “What th'fook.”

The surrounding Squats who have been getting thirsty waiting realise that the way into Booz is suddenly open again. Showing the initiative that Squats are famous for they waste no time.

Fluffy Morae decides that it might be a good idea to come back another, less busy, day. She backs out of the outpost, making sure not to step on anyone as she leaves.

The Wanderer Anton Furnael is and has been sitting atop a building, he has a smile on his face as he simply sips his tea and hums softly.

Chlymidia and Su Skronky are locked in a punch up. Relations are going to go through a rough patch for some time.

If you now want to read about this from the perspective of inside Booz, then read this.
For more stories from Squat Hole, see here.
For an overview of information resources on the Squats and Squat Hole see The Squat Hole Project.