Specialists in Coarse Insults

Cantankerous Biggs has a new get rich quick scheme. “People are 'avin' to go up to some three-eyed freak in Freakton to learn 'ow to insult people. We should teach 'em 'ere in the 'Ole. They'rr bound to want to come. Squats are well known for their clever talk.”

Cantankerous Biggs “Stands to reason really, everywun knows Squats are the cleverest race wot are best at everyfink. All it needs is an astute business Squat to run it,” and Biggs believes himself to be that 'astute business Squat'.

Cantankerous Biggs sets up a sign that he's got Cecil Two-Heads to write for him. “COURSE INSULTS TAUGHT HERE!” He doesn't have long to wait. Kripke, a robot interested in trying to understand the non-metal population is passing through.

Cantankerous Biggs' sign catches Kripke's attention. Perhaps he could learn something about the Squats from this. He estimates probabilities and error margins then runs a quick cost/benefit projection concluding that it's worth a try.

Oh Kripke! Maybe your probability estimation algorithms need revision? We shall see. Kripke approaches Biggs. “HELLO. MAY I PURCHASE A LESSON FROM YOU.”

Cantankerous Biggs isn't quite sure what 'purchase' means, but he gets the general drift. After taking a rather excessive amount of req from the robot, he starts the lesson.

Cantankerous Biggs “Roit. Wotz yer name then?” “IS THIS A COURSE INSULT, TO ASK SOMEONE WHAT THEIR NAME IS?” asks a confused Kripke. “MY DATABASE STATES THAT THAT WAS A CHARACTERISTIC OF FRIENDSHIP.”

Cantankerous Biggs is now also confused. “Wot? Nah nah, I woz just askin' loik. Well never mind, lets start wiv a insult then. Try Fook off, yer dick'ead.” “HOW DOES ONE FUCK OFF YOU DICKHEAD? WHAT SHOULD I DO?”

Cantankerous Biggs “You says it innit? Thats a curse insult loik. Says it.” “THAT IS ILLOGICAL. YOUR HEAD IS NOT A DICK, IT IS A HEAD.” “Nah nah yer pranny, it's a insult loik innit? Cullin' someone a dick'ead is an insult.”

Cantankerous Biggs listens as the robot tries his first course insult. “FUCK OFF YOU DICKHEAD.”

Cantankerous Biggs automatic responses kick in. He is outraged. “Oo are you callin' a dick'ead yer fookin' metal 'eaded fookwitted shite for brains?” “BUT YOU SAID…” “Don't you come callin' me a dick'ead! Ois a Squat! Show some respect!”

Cantankerous Biggs decides to teach the robot a lesson, and not about course insults either, although these are in fact included. Thump. “Take that you wanker!” “BUT…BUT…” Crack. “Don't you fink you can come round 'ere callin' us dick'eads you pox ridden metal 'ead”

Cantankerous Biggs gets stuck in and incidently gives Kripke's damage sensors a thorough testing along the way. Kick. Wallop. “OW.OW. STOP HITTING ME. YOU'RE DAMAGING ME.” “Oil damage you a fook site more as well if you come 'ere shoutin' your mouth off at us Squats!”

Cantankerous Biggs finally stops administering his kicking and storms off to Booz for a well desrved pint, leaving Kripke wandering what happened and trying to digest the lesson. He has learnt one valuable thing. Don't buy lessons in crude insults from squats.

For more stories from Squat Hole see here.

For an overview of information resources on the Squats and Squat Hole see The Squat Hole Project.