By Alexander Quandle

“There are four things on Improbable Island to be especially afraid of. The Watcher, a Joker with a toothy grin, a Mutant giving a poetry recital, and a Squat with an idea.” Havelock Stern

This document is part of Alexander Quandle's Squat Hole Project to which the reader is refered for a general source of information about Squat Hole and the Squats.

Mungdungus Hobbes is a Squat philosopher, best known for his concept of The Noble Squat and is a highly influencial thinker in Squat Hole. He can often be found in Booz, the local hostelry in Squathole, generously giving his wisdom and advice to anyone who'll listen. Here we shall briefly state his philosophical ideas, before giving a transcript for an interview taken in Booz.

Hobbes' philosophy maybe summarised thus.

1. Squats are the very sole of nobility and in fact are the hardest working race on the Island.
2. Relieving fallen contestants of their requisition is actually helping them out, and is hard work for the Squats involved.
3. Responsibility for the well being of Island society rests solely and squarely on Squat shoulders.
4. Life on the Island without the Squats would be nasty brutish and tall.
5. Therefore, the Island owes the Squats a living.
6. In the imperfect world in which we live, Squats sometimes find themselves with unmet needs.
7. This sad state of affairs only happens because other races don't give the Squats what is owed to them.
8. It is, therefore, right, proper, and necessary that Squats should occasionally¹⁾ take items which strictly speaking might be described as belonging to someone else in order to meet their needs. This is not theft.

Hobbes was enjoying a pint or so in Booz when I caught up with him to hear him for myself, and I have recorded the resulting interview.

AQ: Hello sir. May I have an interview with you sir?

MH: Ooer yu? Wuddya wunt? Gisuh pint!

AQ: A pint? Certainly sir!

(AQ buys a pint of Wanker for MH, and one for himself.)

AQ: There you are sir. Um, may I ask you some questions?

MH: Wuddya wunt?

AQ: Ahem. Sir, I was wondering…I hear that you have some interesting ideas about the role of the Squats in the Island social structure, and I was hoping to ask you about them.

MH: Squats? Un the Island? Oil tull yu wot, Squats are the most 'onust, 'ard wurkin' race on the Island. Squats go oot uvry day, on mercy misson, luckin' for contustants wot 'av' fullen ovur, and 'elp 'em oot by takin' all that 'eavy recker wots bin wuyin' 'em dun. The 'ole Island rests on our shoulders. Where would yer be wivoot us 'ey? Nowhere! Thats where. Nobel. Thats what we is. Nobel Squats. Uvryboggar luckin down at us, callin' us “Feevz”. Feevz? We're not Feevz! We're wot makes the Island work!

(MH shakes his head and looks at his pint pot. Since he has now drunk both his pint and AQ's, AQ hastens to buy two new pints of Wanker.)

MH: S'better. Now where woz oi? Oh yeah. Squats. 'Elpin oot contestants. Yer. S'not izzy you know. Fink about it. Contestant falls over, anywhere on Island, anywhere at all, up in mountains, middle of sea, anywhere at all, Squats there to 'elp em oot. Straight away, you never 'ave to 'ang aboot duz you?

AQ: No, no, you're absolutely right, they're always there, straight away, taking your req from you.

MH: 'Elpin you mat, 'elpin you. Takin' all that 'eavy recker wotz bin wuyin' you dun. Thuts 'ard work that iz. (MH sighs) And are we appre…appru…fanked for it? Are we fack!

(MH looks at two empty pint pots again. AQ buys two more.)

MH: And thats not all! Wot aboot smokes? 'Ard workin' Squats dun mine! Nubul Squats! Workin' fingers to bone minin' baccy ore, comin' 'ome wiv barely enuff recker in their pockets for their daily five pints uv Wanker²⁾, often not even enuff left over to feed themself! And talkin' of smokes, I ain't 'ad one for a while…

(MH looks pointedly at AQ who hurriedly give him a cigarette. MH then looks at the two freshly emptied pint pots on the table. He now appears to be quite inebriated. AQ gets in two new pints of Wanker.)

MH: This Island owez uz so it duz, and all we ever get iz abuse! (MH shakes head again) Itz 'ard life bein' a Squat. The Island owes uz so it duz. All the 'ard work that we duz, diggin' baccy ore, 'elpin oot overladen contestants. And wot duz we get oot of it? Nuttin'!

AQ: Well don't you keep the requisition that you take from these contestants?

MH: Well yez, but thatz not the point izzit? They don't allus carry very much recker loik they orta. Offen don't git much at all. Theyz can be toitfisted littel shites, keepin' recker in the bank instead of carryin' it about for a tip for the nobel Squats wot comes to 'elp 'em oot. Yuz. Its a 'ard life bein' a Squat. Evrywun against yer. But yuz my friend intya? Youz buy uz beer. Yuz moi bestest friend you iz, you'll buy a Squat a beer when ee needs one won't ya? Moi bestest friend ever! Oil show you 'ow uh Squat treats their friends. Oil let you in on old Squat trudishun. Wot we duz wiv our friends after 'avin' a drink.

(MH gets up and staggers rather drunkenly round the table to AQ raising his pint glass.)

This is the last that I remember of this interview. I woke up some while later, still in Booz with an exceedingly sore head, although I confess that I hadn't drunk much Wanker as Mundungus had drunk most of mine for me. I later realised that I seemed to have mislaid my wallet and cigarettes, although when I went back to ask if they had been handed in to the barstaff, I was informed that they hadn't been, and in fact, I never saw them again.