Part of Alexander Quandle's Squat Hole Project

“There are four things on Improbable Island to be especially afraid of. The Watcher, a joker with a toothy grin, a mutant giving a poetry recital, and a Squat with an idea.” Mr Stern

Mungdungus Hobbs is a Squat philosopher, best known for his concept of The Noble Squat and is a highly influential thinker in Squat Hole. He can often be found in Booz, the local hostelry in Squat Hole, generously giving his wisdom and advice to anyone who'll listen. Here we shall briefly state his philosophical ideas, before giving a transcript for an interview taken in Booz.

Hobbes' philosophy maybe summarised thus.

1. Squats are the very sole of nobility, and in fact are the hardest working race on the Island
2. Relieving fallen contestants of their requisition is actually helping them out, and is hard work for the squats involved.
3. Responsibility for the well being of Island society rests solely and squarely on the squat shoulders.
4. Life on the island without the squats would be nasty, brutish and tall.
5. The Island owes the squats a living for providing this valuable service.
6. In the imperfect world in which we live, squats sometimes find themselves with unmet needs.
7. This sad state of affairs only happens because other races don't give the squats what is owed to them.
8. It is, therefore, right, proper, and necessary that squats should occasionally¹⁾ take items which strictly speaking might be described as belonging to someone else in order to meet their needs. This is not theft.

Hobbes was enjoying a pint or so in Booz when I caught up with him, and I have recorded the resulting interview.

AQ: Hello sir. May I have an interview with you sir?

MH: Ooer yu? Wuddya wunt? Gisuh pint!

AQ: A pint? Certainly sir!

(AQ buys a pint of Wanker for MH, and one for himself.)

AQ: There you are sir. Um, may I ask you some questions?

MH: Wuddya wunt?

AQ: Ahem. Sir, I was wondering…I hear that you have some interesting ideas about the role of the squats in the Island social structure, and I was hoping to ask you about them.

MH: Squats? In the Island? Oil tull ya wut, squats ur thu must onust, ard wurkin ruce un tha Islund. Squats gu oot uvry day, un murcy mushun, luckin fur cuntustunts wut av fullen uvur, and elp em oot by takin ul thut eavy recker wuts bin wuyin em dun. Tha ole Islund rusts un our shulders. Wur wud yer be wivoot us ey? Nuwur! Thuts wur. Nubel. Thuts whut we ur. Nubel Squats. Uvryboggar luckin dun ut us, cullin us “Fevz”. Fevz? Wur nut Fevz! Wur wut muks thu Islund wurk!

(MH shakes his head and looks at his pint pot. Since he has now drunk both his pint and AQ's, AQ hastens to buy two new pints of Wanker.)

MH: Sbutter. Nu. Wur wuz I? Uh yuh. Squats. Alpin oot cuntustunts. Yer. Snot izzy yer now. Funk aboo it. Cuntustunt fulls uva, unywur un Island, unywur a all, up un muntins, muddle uv sea, unywur ut ul, squats thur tu alp em oot. Strut uwah, yu nuvur av tu ang aboot duz yu?

AQ: No, no, you're absolutely right, they're always there, straight away, taking your req from you.

MH: Elpin yu mat, elpin yu. Tukin ul thut eavy recker wotz bin wuyin em dun. Thuts urd wurk thut iz. (MH sighs) Und ur we appre…appru…thunked fur it? Ur we fack!

(MH looks at two empty pint pots again. AQ buys two more.)

MH: Und thuts nut ul! Wot aboot smucks? Urd wukin squats dun mine! Nubul Squats! Wukin fingers tu bone minin buccy ur, cumin ome wiv barely inuff recker un thur puckits fur thur dally fuv punts uv Wanker²⁾, ufen nut iven inuff luft uver tu fid the kudz! Und tuckin uv smucks, I aint ud wun fur uh while…

(MH looks pointedly at AQ who hurriedly give him a cigarette.)

MH: Thus Islund owez uz su it duz, un ul we iver git iz abbus! (MH shakes head again) Utz uh urd life bein uh uh squat. Tuk me fur exzumpal. Nu oi troy ard tu elp pepel whun oi cun. Usk unywun rund ere. Thul tull yer, “Mundungous Hobbs as uh art uv guld.” thul say “Ee ul ulp unybogger ee wull.” Why, jus tuver duy oi wuz in Spudurki'ee, mundin mez un buznuz, whun sum fackwut cums un, puys fur pint wiv uld dur'ee recker duntee? Musuv bin rollin rund in swamp loik musnee? Wull. I nu wut Dunz loik. Jus loik uver oomuns. Dunt loik durt doay? In fuct (MH leans forward, drops his voice and assumes a conspirital air) Oi ere thut thut Dun evun cluns pips in bur su ee duz! (MH leans back and nods his head significantly) Oi dunt loik slaggin uf pepel beund thur buck, but… (MH shakes his head sadly) Wull unywuy, I seez thut durtee recker und oi suz tu mesulf “Oh, Dun wunt loik thut!” oi suz tu mysulf. Su oi thut thut oid ulp im oot loik, cuz thutz thu elpful surt uv person oi um. Wut cums uv being squat. Ulp im gutz rid uv thut durtee recker. Tuk prublum unto me un shudders loik. Oil wut tull ees ulsewur, suz utul be nice surpose fur im loik. But ee cums buck quoocker thun oi uxpuctud, und funds me. Und duz ee thunk me? Duz ee fack! Yudda fut thut eed be grutful, but no! Nut uh but uv ut. Nu oim burred! Cant drunk thur nu more! Tukin uv wich…

(MH looks at two freshly emptied pint pots on the table. He now appears to be quite inebriated. AQ gets in two new pints of Wanker.)

MH: Thu Islund owes uz so it duz. Ul thu urd wurk thut we duz, duggin baccy ore, elpin oot uverluden cuntustunts. Und wut duz we gut oot uv it? Nuttin!

AQ: Well don't you keep the requisition that you take from these contestants?

MH: Wul yuz, but thutz nut thu point izzit? Thuy dunt allus curry very much recker loik thuy orta. Uffen dunt git much ut ull. Thur cun be toitfusted luttel shites, kupin recker in thu bunk instead uv curring ut abut fur a tip fur thu nubul squats wot cums tu elpem oot. Yuz. Uts uh urd loif bein uh squat. Uvrywun ugunst yer. But yuz mu frund intya? Yuz boy mu beer. Yuz moi bustust frund yuz, yul boy uh squat uh beer whun ee nuds wun wuntya? Moi bustust frund uvur! Oil shuw yu ow uh squat truts us frunds. Oil lut yu un un uld squat trudishun. Wot we duz wiv ur frunds ufter avin uh drink.

(MH gets up and staggers rather drunkenly round the table to AQ raising his pint glass.)

This is the last that I remember of this interview. I woke up some while later, still in Booz with an exceedingly sore head, although I confess that I hadn't drunk much Wanker as Mundungous had drunk most of mine for me. I later realised that I seemed to have mislaid my wallet and cigarettes, although when I went back to ask if they had been handed in to the barstaff, I was informed that they hadn't been, and in fact, I never saw them again.