Evil errands that just waste time and effort. Assigned to you by Dan the Bartender at the Prancing SpiderKitty, quests involve finding or destroying an Adjective Noun of Noun thing after what could be numerous drive kills. Horrid things.

However, you're not cool unless you have one, kids. Ask Dan if he's heard any rumors.

Once fully completed usually after several tasks and a bajillion rounds in the jungle, you will have gained a hefty amount of requisition (aka req) from Dan at the pub.¹⁾

Specifically, when you first ask Dan about rumors, and accept twice in spite of his warnings, Dan will tell you a tale and then assign you a task to find or kill something (to prepare to fight the yet-unnamed extra-dimensional horror), and will name an outpost. Enter the jungle of that outpost (not the wilderness on the map), and hunt. If Dan said find something, stay alert for somethings improbable, especially strange old men.²⁾ Otherwise just whale on the monsters until it shows up. Once you have succeeded, go back to Dan and ask about rumors again.

After 3 to 5 such tasks, Dan will name the Big Bad and send you after it.³⁾

Questing, while often decried as a waste of time, is a valuable tool for the avid contestant. What better way to build up experience, and practice for those elusive meetings with Horatio Entwhistle?