The Solstice Squirrel

Release Months: December (2018, 2020, 2021, 2022)
Effect: Varies - usually combat damage or slight stamina boost.

Since the dawn of time, humanity has reveled in the sport of arguing about children's cartoons. Not even the death of the Internet¹⁾ itself could put a stop to that.

The Solstice Squirrel (“Solly” for short) is a particularly controversial cartoon character back on the Mainland.²⁾ Not because she's violent,³⁾ or because she doesn't wear pants,⁴⁾ or because she says “fuck” in an otherwise child-friendly timeslot.⁵⁾ No. Solly is controversial because her show pushes the narrative that maybe, just maybe, people should be nice to each other. And we obviously can't have that.

While the Island may be Improbable, it doesn't allow for the outright impossible to happen. You won't meet Solstice Squirrel out in the depths of the jungle, because she's a cartoon character and she's not real. A fact her AI-powered robot toys are quick to remind you of. But if you've got ten dollars burning a hole in your pocket, her merchandise is often on offer as a Monthly Memento around the holidays. The units vary in terms of personality: some are chatty, some are not. Some share ghost stories, some are socialists. And some are defective and will go straight for the jugular.

The dolls would make the perfect gift, or perhaps the perfect pipe bomb. Check the date of manufacture before gift wrapping:

• The Solstice Squirrel (2018): Dangerously defective AI chip. ⁶⁾
• Solstice Squirrel's 2020 Spectacular (2020): Bloodthirst patched out and replaced with a new and equally dangerous defect. ⁷⁾
• Socialist Self-Care Solstice Squirrel (2021): Evisceration patched out for real this time, though due to a manufacturing fault limbs may require some retooling on the user's end. Chat with Solly once a day for some words of encouragement, a harrowing retrospective on the technology of the mid-to-late 2020s, and a stamina boost.
• Solstice Squirrel presents A Ghost Story for Christmas (2022): Model revised, limbs should no longer jam. Reports that the AI chip encourages you to dodge paying for television should be ignored. Focus on a spooky short story for the stamina boost instead.