Misanthropy McThugger has been hatching plans. “We've been 'idin' in the wilderness for too long. Them dick'eads the Skronkys, sittin there laffin' at uz! We'z gotta hit back.”
Vulgaris McThugger “Wot you got in mind ma? 'It the cig delivery again?1) Did it once, can do it again.”
Misanthropy McThugger “Naw, we got to do summat else. We gotta hit 'em 'ard. Oi've been thinkin', and oi got a plan. We 'it the family. 'Ere's the plan.” The McThuggers huddle together to listen.
Two identical looking Squats casually stroll down Shopliftin' Avenue whistling tunelessly. They stop and loiter around outside of KnS.
Impudencia Skronky has been working hard in KnS all morning, but now there are other matters that require her attention. An important Squat like Impudencia can't be kept in the kitchen all the time, that's what the chef Sarky Williams is for.
Bilge and Belch McThugger are so busy trying to look casual and blend in with the crowd that they fail to notice Impudencia leave. This is a great pity, because the whole point of them being there is to keep an eye on her.
Suddenly, Carious McThugger, along with Opprobrium and Curmudgeon McThugger and several other Squats, rush out of stench alley where they've been hiding, and storm into KnS where several Squats are having lunch. This precipitates a fight.
Opprobrium McThugger stays with the hench Squats to fight off opposition in the main shop while Carious and Curmudgeon force their way into the kitchen. Carious pulls out a large sack as she goes.
Carious and Curmudgeon McThugger have a job on their hands. Sarky Williams can and does put up a fight, but he's outnumbered, and soon he's stuffed into the sack.
Carious and Curmudgeon McThugger drag Sarky in the sack back out of the kitchen. “We've got 'er, lets get out uv 'ere!” The invading Squats make a fighting withdrawal from the cafe. Before they go, Curmudgeon throws a sheet of paper on a table.
Curmudgeon McThugger's piece of paper has a message on it. “We've got Impudencia!” the message reads “Gis back Booz, und gis KnS else Impudencia guts a soapy bath!” Then there is a signature. “McThuggers”
The McThuggers have brought off a well planned and well executed kidnapping. Well, almost, they've got the wrong Squat, but apart from that minor detail, perfect.
Citizen Thor Thafrij grins from within the dustbin where he had been sleeping. Awake only seconds and there's a scrap going on.
Later the same day, the Skronkys are debating the implications of the attack on K&S.
Big Su Skronky “This uz bad! The McThuggers are back, and they've got Impudencia.”
Julia Skronky “Naw ma! They 'aven't got Imp! Wot you say them've got Imp for?”
Big Su Skronky rounds on her. “Oi'm sayin' it coz they say it! 'Ere loik!” she waves the ransom note that the McThuggers have left behind as proof. “Why are you sayin' that they ain't got Imp when they've told uz they 'as? You sayin' Cecil can't read?”
Big Su Skronky looks for support to Cecil Twoheads, the Skronkys mutant, used for all reading and writing work. Cecil just silently nods his heads and tries to look as inconspicuous as possible, hoping to get away from this without being hit.
Impudencia Skronky “She's fookin sayin' it coz oi'm fookin standin' roit 'ere in front uv you! 'Ow can oi be got if oi'm standin' roit 'ere?”
Citizen Thor Thafrij re enters town dragging a damp sack that leaves a foul watery blood trail.
Big Su Skronky recognises that Impudencia has a good point, but doesn't like to be contradicted. It doesn't look good. Shows weakness. “Don't you use that tone uv voice on me!” SLAP! “If oi say your got, then you's got! Question is, wot we gonna do about it?”
Citizen Thor Thafrij heads for K&S, obviously.
Impudencia Skronky sees a customer heading for K&S. She can't leave this in the hands of Sarky Williams because the lazy good for nothing has disappeared. “Fookin bone idle that Squat. Wait till oi get moi 'ands on 'im.”
Julia Skronky “Ma, Impy's 'ere! There she iz, goin' off to serve food. She ain't been fookin' got, not by the McThuggers, not by anywun! She's 'ere! But somewun tried to get 'er. 'Ave to do sommat about that.”
Big Su Skronky sees a way round the important issue. “Yeah, somwun tried to get 'er. That's wot oi said!” Cecil keeps quiet. “The McThuggers tried to get 'er. S'wot oi said loik. You wasn't listening.” SLAP!.
Big Su Skronky, with face remaining intact, can now concentrate on the next important question. What to do. “Wot if they come back again? P'raps we shoud lay in wait or summat?”
Julia Skronky “Woi don't we set a trap for 'em? Loik we did wiv the beard thief. That worked. 'Aven't 'ad any more beards stolen since then.” Julia's interpretation of the word 'worked' is fairly broad.
Citizen Thor Thafrij doesn't want to interfere in family matters, but this is important. He calls into K&S, “Ere, I got some quality stuff for yer, heh? ” he hefts the sack, “Las' critter I hacked up was crawlin' wiv gut worms. So that's like extra meat yeah ?”
Impudencia Skronky likes the idea of extra meat, but doesn't like the idea of paying out extra recker for it. “Extra meat? You fookin' kiddin' me? For that?” she takes the sack and casts an expert eye over the contents.
Citizen Thor Thafrij points out the finer points, “See? Some of 'ems got shells, heh? Crunchy an' full o' fibers!”
Impudencia Skronky “Yeah, but they eat tha fackin meat, don't they? Less meat on the monster!” she isn't at all sure about this logic, but it works in her favour so she's going with it. “You don't want to know some of the 'orrors oi'v seen on meat!”
Impudencia Skronky “Meat so crawlin' wiv worms that it ate the kebab, even after oi'd deep fried it loik! Customers diddun loik it, said that they run away wiv the kebab, could they 'av' another? I 'ad endless problems sayin' no, and hittin' them to make sure they understud.”
Citizen Thor Thafrij thinks about this for a second, “Tell yer what, gi's usual price fer it, heh? But I want the sack back. It's me bed, see”
Impudencia Skronky considers the offer, and reluctantly decides that it's a fair one. “Alroit then.” she carefully weighs the meat out, and then gives Thor the appropriate amount of recker for it.
Citizen Thor Thafrij watches worriedly, “Wring the sack out, heh ? The goo counts too, yer know…” He smiles at the accepted coins and turns toward Booz.
Impudencia Skronky goes back to her mother and grandmother to hear what has been decided.
Big Su Skronky “So Oi'v come up wiv a plan. The McThuggers will come back to try to get you again. We'll set traps for 'em, to catch 'em when they do.” She turns to Julia, keen to assert her authority which has been questioned.
Big Su Skronky “Pity you can't come up wiv a plan loik that eh?” SLAP! “Yu fackin useless lump. Don't know why we keep you.” SLAP!
Julia Skronky “Wot you on about? Oi come up wiv that plan!” “No you didn't, it's moi plan! You cheeky fookin' kittycat you” the Squats walk off and the bickering receds into the distance.
The McThuggers arrive back at the Zombie Goat, fresh from kidnapping Impudencia in Squat Hole.
Misanthropy McThugger is waiting for them. “You get 'er then?” Bilge McThugger answers her. “Yeah gran. We got 'er.” He drops the sack that he's been carrying. “'Ere she is.” The sack is opened to reveal Sarky Williams.
Misanthropy McThugger “You're Impudencia Skronky? You don't look loik 'er!” “Me? Nah, Oi'm not 'er! Oi'm Sarky Williams! Oo says oi'm Impudencia Skronky?”
Carious McThugger “Oi says you're Impudencia Skronky! That's oo! We went to KnS, you woz workin' there. You're Impudencia Skronky. You callin' me a liar?” “Naw! Not callin' you a liar, just sayin' that oi'm Sarky Williams. Oi works in KnS doesn't Oi?”
Carious McThugger “Nah yer lyin' fooker you! You're Impudencia. Don't you lie to me!” “You callin' me a liar?” and Sarky launches himself at Carious, but is jumped on by four or five McThuggers before he can do any hurt.
Misanthropy McThugger comes to a decision. “Nah. This ain't Impudencia. You fookin dick'eads got the wrong person!”
“Yeah you fackin duckuds! You listen to 'er. She knows wot she's on about.”
Misanthropy McThugger turns on Sarky. “You fookin' shat up! Gotta think wot to do now. Don't need noise from you! One more peep from you, and you're in the bathtub.” She points to a bath tub full of hot soapy water that has been prepared for torturing Impudencia with.
Misanthropy McThugger slaps a visibly shaken Sarky a few times for good measure, then goes off to plan. Sarky is meanwhile tied back in the sack and forgotten about.
Impudencia Skronky is working in KnS. “Where the fook 'as Sarky got to? I ain't seen 'im in days! 'Ee better not come in 'ere wantin' 'is wages! That's all oi can say.” However it's been a quiet day, not much work to be done anyway.
Impudencia Skronky frowns. It's been a bit too quiet. The kebab house is usually full of Squats having a kebab before going out mugging contestants, or after working distilling the takings of the Skronky Pot, or anyone of the other industries that Squat Hole supports.
Impudencia Skronky looks round. KnS is empty. No customers at all. Not one. Where is everybody? She becomes aware of a commotion going on outside, and takes a look to see what is going on.
Impudencia Skronky finds that Big Su's plan has been put into action. A large hole has been dug right outside the KnS front door. Designed to catch any would be kidnappers, the trap has in fact caught plenty of punters instead and is now full of fighting Squats.
Vagrant Iriri scowls, scraping something that looks awful off of his boot using a wall that looks worse, disregarding the shrill, squeaky voice of a local demanding 'compunsashin, like' for the use of his wall. The place has gone downhill. Again.
Sewage Skronky comes along, ignoring Iriri and instead looking at her kidnapper trap. “Fookin' 'ell, that's worked well! Look at all them kidnappers we've caught. Just fink wot would 'ave 'appened to you if we 'adn't dug this trap.”
Vagrant Iriri scowls at the implication that the ill-favoured little shack can be considered 'lakesoide prupperty', and glares at the illiterate approximation of a property deed scrawled on something he's almost certain isn't paper. But he doesn't pay.
Impudencia Skronky is unconvinced that Su has the correct interpretation of events. “Those aren't kidnappers! Those are payin' punters, tryin' to get in to buy food off of us! You tryin' to put me out of business or summat?”
Vagrant Iriri knows better, at this point, than to broadcast the fact he's got even a small amount of requisition on hand. He extricates himself from the dickering with a well-placed boot, striding off towards the Squat Hole 'commercial district'.
Sewage Skronky doesn't like being contradicted. “Those aren't customers, those are McThuggers! They's come to get you!”
Impudencia Skronky disagrees still. “Nuh they're fookin' not!” she looks in the hole at twenty plus Squats, most of whom have knocked each other out in the inevitable fight by now. “There ain't that many McThuggers. Do you recognise any of them as McThuggers?”
Vagrant Iriri thumbs a grubby, hand-rolled fag out of a shirt pocket, tucking it between his lips and lighting it with a snap of his fingers, a kelly-green spark. Squats milling around outside K&S, he observes. And looking downwards! Don't see that often.
Impudencia Skronky “'Im there. 'Ee'z not uh McThugger. 'Ee'z Microcephalous James from the Chop Shop. 'Ee allus comes in for a pizza about now. 'Ee ain't kidnappin' nobudy!”
Sewage Skronky “Well wot about that won then? Don't recognois 'im, 'ee must be a McThugger.”
Impudencia Skronky “Nah 'eez fookin' not! Just 'cos you don't recognise 'im, don't mean that 'eez a McThugger does it? Otherwoise there'd be fookin' 'undreds of the fookers!”
Sewage Skronky “Yes 'ee is, and oi can prove it! The McThuggers allus 'ave a tattoo uv a zombie goat an their arse. It's loike their badge see innit?”
Vagrant Iriri has sidled his way over, hands tucked insouciantly in pockets. He imagines if he slouches enough and keeps to the margins, he won't catch any attention.
Impudencia Skronky is too busy arguing to notice what any Jokers are doing. She knows of the famous McThugger tattoo as well as anybody. “Go on then. Show us 'is tat then.”
Big Su Skronky's bluff has been called. “Alroit then. Oi wull.” First problem, how to get the suspected McThugger out of the hole? “Oi you! Git out that 'ole and come 'ere!” The Squat has already lost a fight, and in any case couldn't get out even if he were still conscious.
Vagrant Iriri murmurs helpfully, with a slow curl of smoke, “S'not much of a trap if they can leave once they fall in.”
Big Su Skronky's traps are made to keep Squats in. The hole is deep. Almost four feet. Sewage sighs. “You stay 'ere.” she tells Impudencia. “Oi'll go get 'elp.”
Impudencia Skronky has no intention of going anywhere. She notices the joker smoking the cigarette. She doesn't like to admit it, but the Joker has just made a sensible comment. That's just what she was thinking herself.
Impudencia Skronky sees possible custom. A joker who's as sensible as this must surely want to eat the best food on the Island, right? And that, of course, is KnS, with it's famous 'Litre of grease with every meal' guarentee. “'Ello. Woz you lookin' for a kebab loik?”
Vagrant Iriri is past being picky. “Mebbe a pizza,” he remarks, offhand. He's still got some antacid he fished out of a medical pack he found half-torn, up in a tree. “Doesn't look like you're open, though.”
Impudencia Skronky is delighted. Custom at last.“Course we're open. Just gotta watch out for that fookin' 'ole ain'tya?” and edging her way round the 'kidnapper trap' she goes into K&S, carefully leaving the door wide open, and finds a pizza to deep fry.
Impudencia Skronky is trying to cultivate non-Squat custom, and so adds extra slices of rat on top, to make it extra special.
Vagrant Iriri takes a long, carefully-angled step into the establishment, avoiding a high-flung swipe at his ankles from the cursing pit of fellow patrons. “What did you dig the hole for, in the first place?” He measures the available seating with a look.
Vagrant Iriri elects to stand, wondering idly when the last time the place was cleaned.
Impudencia Skronky “That 'ole? Thatz 'er idea, Su's. Itz meant to catch McThuggers. She thinks that they're tryin' to kidnap us. They came and left uh ransom note, but they didn't kidnap us first, coz they're thick see? We don't need that fookin' 'ole there.”
Impudencia Skronky would, if she could hear Iriri's thoughts, proudly tell him that KnS has never been cleaned. But she can't so she goes on about the McThuggers instead. “If them fookers came in 'ere, oi could deal wiv 'em.”
Vagrant Iriri blinks thoughtfully, his memory kicking in.. “They've got a tattoo of what on their arses?”
Impudencia Skronky “We doesn't need no trap to stop 'em. If they tried to give me grief, then oi'd soon let them know 'oo woz boss, wouldn't oi? They wouldn't know wot 'ad 'it 'em. They'd be on the failboat in no time.”
Impudencia Skronky “Tattoo uv a zombie goat on their arses. It'z loik their secret badge loik. Back when they wos mismanagin' the 'Ole, they wouldn't let anybody else 'ave uh tattoo loik that. Of course, now we've knocked 'em out, nobody wants uh tattoo loik that anymore anyway.”
Impudencia Skronky remarks “They used to run the 'Ole. Badly. All they ever did woz fill their own pockets.” Blythly forgetting that that's exactly what the Skronkys do. “Rumour 'as it, they even cleaned the pipes in Booz!” She neglects to mention that the rumours were originally started by the Skronkys themselves.
Vagrant Iriri gasps, as appropriate. “The bastards. Ruins the taste, doin' that.” Privately, he considers the thought of the Squat swill not just being disgusting, but outright poisonous.
Impudencia Skronky nods her head. “Yes. Thatz the sort uv fookers that they were. That's why we 'ad to get rid of 'em. There woz uh revolution. Sewage led it. Everywon cheered. We'z 'eroes, uz Skronkys.” Not quite how it happened.
Big Su Skronky arrives back with some Skronky Pot Protector Society members to help her, and also some rope. “Roit. You get down there and bring out that Squat there.” she orders Rumbunctious Taylor, then kicks him in the hole to make sure.
Vagrant Iriri cranes his head out the door to watch, while he waits for his gourmet fare.
Big Su Skronky supervises Rumbunctious and the other SPPS members as they throw down a rope to pull Rumb out together with the Squat gathered up, Foetid Robson. “Roit. Now we'll 'ave the truth uv it. Let's see 'is arse.”
Impudencia Skronky has finished cooking the pizza. Nice and hot, and dripping with grease. “Come and get it! Wotz 'app'nin' out there now?” She sees that Sewage has returned. “Ah there you are. Oi woz wond'rin' when you would show up.”
Vagrant Iriri grins widely, anticipating quite a show. It is the work of a few moments to grab the pizza, munching away at it while he watches. Best not to think too hard about that crunchy bit. Or that rubbery one.
Big Su Skronky “You cheeky monkey you! Course oi'm 'ere. Now look at this.” she grabs Foetid's trousers and pulls down. “There…wot the fook!” no tattoo of a zombie goat, or indeed anything else. “Where's it gone? Where you fookin' hidin' it?”
Impudencia Skronky “There! Oi told you didn't oi? That's not a McThugger! That's a 'onest, 'ard workin' Squat tryin' to come in 'ere for a good nutritious, nourishin' meal. Tryin' to give me 'is recker, and YOU stopped 'im!”
Vagrant Iriri grins to himself impishly. “Ought to figure out a trap that pulls their trousers down, so you can be sure.”
Big Su Skronky takes out her frustration on the hapless Foetid, KICK. “Where's your tat then? Where's you 'idin it?” KICK “Wot tat? Wot you on about?” “Don't you play stupid wiv me! Your zombie goat tattoo!”
Big Su Skronky “Oi knows you've got wun, you're a McThugger! Where's your tat?” “Oi ain't got no zombie goat tat! Oi got a star frum Petra, but oi ain't got no zombie goat tat! Oi'm not a McThugger!”
Big Su Skronky kicks Foetid to one side. “Well 'ee got in there by mistook. Others are McThuggers though.” she sets the SPPS members to work pulling another Squat out of the hole. “Roit let's look at this won then.” Smegma Bailey this time.
Vagrant Iriri watches the proceedings to take his mind off of the various things that would unsettle him about his pizza. “Bet this one's a McThuggers.”
Enquiring Shi scrabbles at the outpost wall. Because if you're after harmful substances, Squat Hole is the only place to look.
Citizen Thor Thafrij saunters into town, and pauses aghast at the commotion. He only came to get fresh quality crap for his stick
Big Su Skronky discovers that Smegma has no tat either. “You ain't got no zombie goat tat on your arse either. Wot's 'app'nin' 'ere? Where's all the kidnappers gone?” It transpires that none of the other Squats in the hole have the appropriate tats either.
Enquiring Shi peeks over the wall, and blinks owlishly at a series of exposed Squat rumps. She makes a note on the clipboard.
Citizen Thor Thafrij can't hear what is going on. All he is aware of is Squats being dragged out of a hole and forcibly having their arses examined. He eyes the gates nervously.
Enquiring Shi giggles, swinging her legs as she attempts a diagram. Science.
Impudencia Skronky “There. Wot did oi tell you? They're not McThuggers! They're punters! And you're stoppin' 'em givin' me their recker! You and your stupid “kidnapper trap!” It didn't do anyfink of the sort! Oi'm not gonna get kidnapped by McThuggers, oim tellin' you!”
Sewage Skronky doesn't have anything else to say, so she storms off in a huff. Woe betide the next Squat who gets in her way.
Vagrant Iriri is upstanding enough to pay the full amount for his pizza, wiping grease-stained fingers on a kerchief (that is later disposed of) and fishing in his pocket for the req.
Impudencia Skronky starts directing the still present SPPS members to fill the hole in with some of the assorted junk that's lying around. She doesn't want a hole stopping patrons getting into KnS. Instead she gets an ankle breaking death trap.
Impudencia Skronky takes Iriri's payment, and starts preparing for the rush of hungry Squats that will doubtless start coming in through the door of KnS.
Citizen Thor Thafrij carefully edges around the half filled pit with another sackful of dodgy meat
Vagrant Iriri stumbles out, fighting down feelings of illness. He's a Joker, dammit, he could eat PVC piping if it was properly prepared and served with tea! Some pizza is certainly edible, no matter its provenance.
Sewage Skronky is pulling out all the stops watching out for the McThuggers, should they make another attempt at kidnapping Impudencia.
Sewage Skronky's guards are stopping everybody going into K&S and checking their arses for zombie goat tattoos. So far, this has drawn a blank, but Sewage knows that it's only a matter of time.
Sewage Skronky fails to notice two identical Squats casually sauntering down the opposite side of Shopliftin' Avenue to KnS, whistling tunelessly and trying to look inconspicuous.
Returning Contestant Theodosia walks happily into Squat hole.
Impudencia Skronky is busy working in KnS. Sarky Williams is still missing presumed bone idle, and so Impudencia is having to do the cooking until she can train another Squat up. Luckily there have been no complaints. Impudencia is a good cook.
Impudencia Skronky's cooking has in fact been causing upset amongst the Squats, but nobody's brave enough to complain to her face. Sarky was a highly trained chef, trained by Maiko. Even if he was her worst ever pupil, Impudencia is worse still.
Impudencia Skronky is just putting another kebab in the deep frier when there's a sudden crash behind her.
Opprobrium McThugger leads a gang of his tribe's Squats in through the window. The long awaited kidnapping attempt is happening! A pot of cutlery gets kicked all over the floor.
Returning Contestant Theodosia watches intrigued
Impudencia Skronky grabs a frying pan and takes a swing at Opprobrium, who jumps back, knocking Bilge McThugger into the counter which has a pile of sliced sausage for the pizza. This goes flying all over the floor.
Returning Contestant Theodosia pries open a window to have a better look.
Curmudgeon McThugger is just coming in and kicks Bilge out of the way, so she can get a better line of attack on Impudencia. Impudencia swings again, and this time Opprobrium is knocked over.
Returning Contestant Theodosia cheers as he climbs in the window, preparing to take advantage of the situation.
Impudencia Skronky puts up a good fight. Belch McThugger is knocked into the fat frier which will add an interesting aftertaste to the pizza for months to come, Vulgaris McThugger almost gets sliced like a sausage herself.
Returning Contestant Theodosia scampers across the floor, picking up spilt food as he goes.
Impudencia Skronky is throwing pots, pans, and anything else she can grab. Thwack, a carving knife hits a window sill. However it hasn't been sharpened in months and is blunt as a butter knife.
Bilge McThugger has picked herself up and is trying to rejoin the fray, but crashes into the food foraging zombie instead. Opprobrium tries to make his way round behind Impudencia, no easy task in this confined space.
Returning Contestant Theodosia is caught off-guard by Bilge and drops all his food, when he gets back to his knees he throws his foot at her.
Carious McThugger has just managed to gain entry. She immediately slips up on some stray crap meat and fat that hadn't been cleaned up from last month. Bilge is hit by a flying foot.
Returning Contestant Theodosia grins and begins to crawl toward the kitchen, pausing only to make sure no-one else is running at him.
Impudencia Skronky is jumped from behind by Opprobrium and goes down with a crash. Belch manages to extract herself from the frier, although her left arm is now battered and fried.
Impudencia Skronky put up a good fight, but she was outnumbered and outmaneuvered by the McThuggers. She is last seen being stuffed in a sack and dragged out of the window.
Returning Contestant Theodosia starts filling his pack with food, hoping the Squats won't come back before he has all he wants.
Returning Contestant Theodosia wanders off with a pack and belly full of food.
Sewage Skronky is satisfied that the anti kidnapping precautions placed on KnS are working. The guards out the front are still checking everybody's arses before they go in. No zombie goat tattoos have been found.
Impudencia Skronky has been staying quietly in KnS, which is more than Sewage expected. Everything has been going well.
Big Su Skronky decides to go into KnS and lord it over Impudencia about how well her precautions are working. When she gets inside, she is shocked by what she finds.
Impudencia Skronky isn't in KnS at all! The place is full of Squats eating free food. The till is empty. In the kitchen, there are signs of a struggle and the window is broken. Even more broken than usual.
Sewage Skronky uses all her prodigous powers of Sherlock Holmes style deduction, and you don't become head of Squat Hole's leading family without those, and comes to a conclusion. The McThuggers have broken in afterall. Impudencia has been kidnapped!
Sewage Skronky must act. Now. She storms off and gathers some Skronky Pot Protector Society members to make up a war party.
Cantankerous Biggs was just going into Booz for some breakfast before work, going out mugging contestants. A large Squatholian Coffee - a cup of black coffee with two pints of Wanker in it, but without the coffee. Instead he finds himself recruited into Big Su's possee.
Cantankerous Biggs is a valuable asset to such a possee. His experience hunting down contestants in the jungle has given him keen tracking skills. While Su rounds up other Squats, he investigates the area under the window.
Cantankerous Biggs finds cigarette dogends and old cider cans, the same as every other square inch of Squat Hole. There are size two footprints in the dirt as well. Plenty of them. And signs of something heavy being dragged away.
Cantankerous Biggs starts following this last trail. It leads down a back alley to Tosspot Lane, and thence via minor back streets, always avoiding the main roads, out to the north gates.
Sewage Skronky has got her possee together and sent it to follow Biggs as he tracks the McThuggers out of Squat Hole and to their base.
Sewage Skronky's possee's search for Impudencia was only partially successful. Biggs followed the trail all right. And the rest of the possee managed to follow Biggs, scarcely less impressive.
Sewage Skronky's possee didn't on the other hand, actually find or free Impudencia. The trail led into Port Foley and that's more or less as far as the Squats went.
It turns out that a port full of pirates does not take kindly to a war party of Squats just casually strolling in. It's inhabitants take exception to such behaviour, and take steps to prevent it.
It seems that pirates have had practice at this sort of thing and can outfight even a gang of Squat Hole's toughest. This comes as something of an upset to Sewage who had naturally assumed that her Squats would be best at this on the island.
Impudencia Skronky needs to be recovered. That she has been kidnapped is an affront to the might and prestige of the Skronky clan and Sewage herself and it must be remedied. That being tied up in a sack for days on end might be uncomfortable for her grand daughter does not occur to Su.
Sewage Skronky just needs to work out how to regain Impudencia. Brute force has not worked. That low cunning and cleverness for which Squats are renowned must come into play. First things first however, blame must be apportioned.
Sewage Skronky grabs Crapulous Mulligan who happens to be passing by. “Oi yu fooker! Wot you doin', lettin' them win?” “Wut?” Crapulous was not part of the possee, is unaware of the kidnapping situation, and has no idea what Su is on about.
Sewage Skronky “Don't you 'Wut?' me you fookin dick'ead! You let them win!” `iClout`i “You lettin' uz down!” `iBaff`i and she procedes to failboat Crapulous for his single-handedly losing the fight in Port Foley.
Now Sewage needs to concentrate on the situation in hand. She must first find out whereabouts in Port Foley Impudencia is being kept, and with that in mind she sets out to find W. the Skronkys' spy master; Wasp Skronky.
Dandiprat May, hard at work mugging passers by, pauses after relieving his latest vict…er…`iclient`i of their wallet, and glancing up, sees a kittymorph of unusually tasteful height walk into Port Foley.
A couple of kittymorphs who happen to be passing through notice a Squat wearing a cheap Halloween cat mask and with an old piece of rope stuck into the back of his trousers for some reason.
A striking example of how two observers can look at the same scene and see quite different things.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is undercover. He has been tasked with finding out where the McThuggers stay in Port Foley and, more importantly, where they're keeping Impudencia Skronky.
The Skronkys have realised that the McThuggers will be watching out for Skronky agents.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs has for this reason been provided with a foolproof disguise as a kittymorph. To supplement the mask and rope tail, he utters “Purr, purr” or “meow” from time to time. Nobody will suspect a thing.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs looks about. The McThuggers are not immediately apparent. He will have to ask about, but carefully, so as not to arouse suspicion. He approaches Dandiprat May.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs comes up with a good excuse. “Purr, purr. Oi you. Oi'm lookin' for the McThuggers. Cuz…oi 'ere they sell…booz…er, oi mean, catnip? Cuz oi'm a kittycat loik see? Purr, purr, meow, oi loik scritchies oi does.`0”
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs's clever ruse has Dandiprat fooled. “Oi can see that your a fackin kittycat! Oi'm not fackin stoopid am oi?`0”
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is about to give a suitably sarky reply to that, but remembers just in time that as a kittymorph, he'd naturally be in awe of the Squat's superior intelligence. “No! You're dead clever! You're a Squat aren't you?”
Dandiprat May draws himself up to his full height. “`QOi, that's roit. Oi's a Squat and don't you forget it.`0” Point made he looks around for his next mugging client. He doesn't have to look far. “`QGive us your recker, you pansyarse!`0” and Biggs finds a knife brandished in his face.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs feels that the conversation has run away from him. “Nah nah nah! You're not meant to be muggin' me you dick'ead! Tell me where the McThuggers are!” “Oo you callin' a dick'ead?”
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs “Don't give us that! Where are the fookin McThuggers?” “Oo'z askin'? Wot you wanna know for?” “Oi wanna know so oi can get some boo…er…catnip don't oi? Now WHERE ARE THE FOOKIN' MCTHUGGERS?`0”
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is starting to get impatient. Luckily, Dandiprat inadvertently lets slip a vital clue. “Why should oi tell you about the McThuggers and the Zombie Goat?” “Zombie Goat? Wot the fooks a zombie got gotta do wiv anyfing?`0”
Dandiprat May rolls his eyes in an exaggerated manner. “The Zombie Goat? It's only the McThuggers pub innit? You fackin dick'ead!`0”
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs has had enough. “Don't you call me a dick'ead you fackin dick'ead!`0” Soon the Squats are brawling in the mud. Which should surprise nobody.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs has, after a few misadventures, managed to find The Zombie Goat. He is undercover and in order to blend in seamlessly is obliged to buy a pint of…Noxious Smith's it seems they sell here.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs drinks his pint and scopes out the pub. Not too bad. Definitely a Squat pub, not the sort of rubbish that Humans have, and as for the Jokers, they don't have a pub at all in Ace High. Biggs snorts.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is quick to note that this place isn't as good as Booz however. That is precisely the sort of detail that W. will be looking for. Biggs looks around for colloborative evidence.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs takes in the various “stuffed” animals that are lying around. “Oi bet they fink that's classy`0” he mutters to himself, secretly impressed.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs decides against mentioning this aspect of the decor. W. would not be interested. He looks around for other details.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs notes the holes in the roof and tut tuts sadly. More than there are in Booz (as far as he can count). A big one over the bar as well. That would never happen in Booz he lies to himself.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs drinks his pint slowly; it's not easy drinking through a cat mask. Not too bad a pint actually. But Biggs is conscientious and thorough in his work.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs knows that his boss W, the Skronky's spymaster, will want a full detailed report and as a result it takes him almost ten minutes to finish it.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs knows the beer must be given its proper consideration. Another pint is called for. He gets up and goes back to the bar.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs walks past a somewhat inebriated Pugnacious Butler who decides to pull a classic practical joke - pull the kittymorph's tail.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs' “tail” comes off in Butler's hand. This is not what he expected! Pugnacious was looking forward to the kittymorph being unexpectedly pulled back.
Pugnacious Butler “Wot the fack! Oi've pulled off its fackin tail!” “What? What you on about?” enquires his drinking partner, a human by the name of John Hansworthy.
Pugnacious Butler “Luck! Oi've pulled its fackin tail off!” showing the piece of rope in his hands. “Naw you ain't!`0” John informs him, used to his friends mistakes. “It's a piece of rope.”
Pugnacious Butler “Wot? Are you sure?`0” “Course I'm sure! Look at it. It's a piece of rope.” Butler holds it up to his eye and scrutinises it before reluctantly agreeing.
Pugnacious Butler is having problems putting the pieces together. “So wot's a Kittycat doin' wiv a bit of rope where its tail should be?” “Kittycat? That wasn't a Kittymorph, that was a Squat that was. Drive knows why they had a bit of rope stuck in its trousers.”
Pugnacious Butler “Yes it woz! Oi saw it. It woz a Kittykat. 'Ad a tail and everyfink.`0” “No it didn't, that was rope, remember? It's a Squat. Squats don't have tails!`0”
Pugnacious Butler is having difficulty processing this information. “You sure?” “Course I'm sure. Look, watch.`0” and so saying, John downs his pint, strides up to Biggs and grabs him by the shoulder.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is pulled round “Oi you…” but before he can say any more the mask is snatched from his face and pulled back to reveal his true visage.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs has been rumbled, and although the mask soon returns to its correct place as John lets go and its elastic pulls it back, the damage has been done.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs completes his comment “…fookin' dick'ead!`0” and translating thought into action, he lays into John. John defends himself stoutly and gives as good as he gets.
Pugnacious Butler is stunned by the revelation. “THATZ NOT A KITTYCAT!” and pandamonium erupts. While few there know what on earth he's on about and fewer still care, the tone of voice suggested that a brawl was on its way.
This is something of a self-fulfilling prophecy and soon the pub is in full riot mode with new holes being created in the walls, ceilings, and a few other things.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs soon disappears beneath a brawl of Zombie Goat patrons. Next stop, the Failboat.
Big Su Skronky is deep in thought. The intelligence has come in. Wasp's spy has located the McThugger's hide out in Port Foley, a pub by the name of The Zombie Goat. Now all that remains to do is raid it. But how?
Big Su Skronky has tried a full frontal assault but it proved unsuccessful. Another way must be found, one that uses the cunning and guile for which the Squats are famous. The Zombie Goat is on the water front. That might be useful. Hmm.
Big Su Skronky sits and thinks. Hmm. Holes in the roof. Hmm. Slowly but surely, a plan comes together in her mind.
It is late night on the boardwalk outside The Zombie Goat. Inside the pub there is a loud and raucus band playing. The noise is loud enough out here, inside it must be deafening. Any other sounds would be drowned out, even if there was anybody to hear.
A patron stumbles out of the drinking establishment and wobbles over to the edge of the boardwalk, where they fall over and throw up copiously over the side into the water.
Once this patron's bleary eyes start to clear, he sees something curious - to wit, a row boat pulling up. A row boat furthermore, piled high with Squats. Before he can cry out, he is grabbed by one of the sailors and pulled into the boat.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs has been watching out for this sort of circumstance, that is, being spotted. The boat's crew are SPPS members. Not just any members either. These are the so called “Big Members”. The Elite. The finest that Squat Hole has to offer.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is the lookout. The squad are on a mission. And it is imperative that they remain undetected. Anybody who sees them must be eliminated before they can raise the alarm. The patron will be soon be Failor fodder. But first…
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs shouts at the unfortunate “WOT THE FOOK ARE YOU SPYIN' ON US FOR?” “Whu What? Who…?” “OO? WOT YOU WANNA KNOW OO FOR? OO YOU SPYIN' FOR?” The unfortunate patron was already in an advanced state of inebriation and is ill equipped to make sense of this.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs makes it easy for him by giving him no chance to answer. “YOU AIN'T SEEN NUFFINK!” he screams. “WE AIN'T ERE. GOT IT?”
The patron, while still unsure as to the question, has at least got the presence of mind to grasp that the correct answer is “Ye-yes.”
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs “GOOD! NOW DON'T MAKE A SOUND.” And without further ado, the patron is beaten unconscious and thrown overboard.
Once the boat's consequent rocking has subsided a little, some of the excess water is bailed out (water being considered hazardous to a Squat's natural aroma). That done, a few oar strokes bring the boat to the quayside and a dollop of seaweed onto Biggs' head.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs makes to get out of the boat but is called back by the captain of the crew, 001 Big Danny Skronky. “OI! YOU GET BACK ERE! OI'Z THE BOSS ROUND 'ERE! YOU DO WOT OI SAY!”
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs: “Well wot else are we gonna do? We're 'ere now! No point stayin' in the boat is there? Wot we gonna do in 'ere?”
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky: “NEVER YOU MIND THAT! OI'M THE BOSS, OI MAKE THE DESUZZ…DESIZZ…OI SAYS WOT WE DO!”
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs sits down again grumbling. “Go on then. Say wot we'z gonna do.”
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky pauses and considers the whole situation and the plan in hand. He weighs the options to and fro before making a carefully calculated decision. “Roit. EVERYBODY OUT THE BOAT!”
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs mutters to himself. “Everybudy out the boat. Everybody out the boat. Wot the fook else woz we gonna do?” and recieves a cuff round the ear from Big D. He briefly considers hitting back, but thinks better of hitting a Skronky. Anyway, there's a job to do.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs waits until Big Danny, Scumbelly Perkins and the rest climb out then follows them up onto the Boardwalk.
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky addresses the squad. “Roit. We's gotta find the Zombie Donkey thun get up onto the roof.” He looks round. “Biggs! You woz the spy. Which one'z the Zombie Goat?”
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs points sullenly. “That one.”
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky knows what he's doing. “Oo'z got the rope?” Agent 003 Jargogle Anderson speaks up. “Oi 'ave” waving a coil in the air.
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky: “Roit. Yo go first. Biggs. You 'elp 'im up. EVERYONE KEEP QUIET!”
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs walks to the wall of the Zombie Goat and bends over, thus providing a platform for Jargogle to use to climb up onto the roof.
Agent 002 Scumbelly Perkins follows him, then agent 001 Big Danny, agent 003 Rambunctious Taylor and agent 003 Morology Scraggs. Finally Jargogle lets down the rope.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs knows what to do. He grabs the end of the rope, then looks at it closely. “Oi! Where's the loop? Oo'z stolen the loop?”
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky shouts down from the roof. “Wot you mean 'Where's the loop?' The loop's on the end of the rope innit? You fookin' dick'ead!”
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs: “No it fookin' ain't you dick'ead!”
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky: “Yeah it is! Oi put it there meself. Look again you useless fookin' dick'ead.”
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs: “Well it must 'ave fallen out again then 'cos it's not there now.”
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky: “Give it 'ere you fookin dick'ead.” And the rope is pulled back up again. “Where'z the loop gone? Oo'z stolen the fookin loop?”
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs: “That'z wot oi said you fookin' dick'ead.” He starts to pantomime Big D. “'Put it there meself' nuh nuh nuh”
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky: “You shut it. Where you put the fookin' loop?”
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs: “Oi ain't put it nowhere! Oi ain't seen the fookin' loop! That'z wot oi'm sayin'!”
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky: “Well it ain't 'ere now. Wot you done wiv it?” This debate could carry on all night, but luckily Rambunctious Taylor finds the loop. It seems that it's been cunningly moved to the other end of the rope.
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky shouts down “Okay. We'z got it. You're lucky oi found it after you 'id it.” He throws down the other end of the rope, the one with the loop in it, carefully remembering to keep a hold of the other end. He is a highly trained crack Squat commando after all.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs puts the loop round his head. He too is highly trained and knows that this is not enough. He carries on and gets his arms through as well. Now the rope is tied round his chest.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs: “Okay. Ready.” The Squats on top of the pub start to pull, and Biggs is lifted off the ground.
A Zombie Goat patron happens to glance out of the window and sees a Squat flying through the air - like some sort of cherub gone horribly wrong.
This previously hardened drinker swears off drink for life and gets up to leave and go home.
Unfortunately however, what with the beer already consumed, and the press of the crowd, the sot finds themself pushed back to the bar again. Instinct kicks in, a pint is bought, a seat found, an opportunity lost.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs doesn't notice that he's been seen, which is just as well for all concerned. He is soon on the roof with the rest of the Squat squad. Now they can move onto the next step of their plan.
When Big Su Skronky received a report stating “Holes on the roof, big one over the bar,” she saw these holes in a different light to Biggs - as potential unexpected entrances. A potential which she went on to decide to turn into a reality.
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky and his squad have been sent on an audacious and cunning plan to attack the Zombie Donkey by absailing down through the roof. This will leave them behind the bar, with direct access to the back room. It is here that Impudencia Skronky is believed to be held.
The Zombie Goat is in an old building, one in some state of disrepair. There are several holes in the roof, all simply repaired with old tarpaulins nailed over them so that the clientel, rather than getting rained on in inclement weather, have a steady stream of rainwater down the back of their necks instead.
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky is faced with a problem here. Multiple holes. Big D is a straight forward Squat who doesn't hang about. He picks the nearest. “Roit Biggs. Get over 'ere. Scumbelly, Rambunctious. 'Old onto the rope loik.”
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs has spent long enough in the pub that he can now find his way round by instinct, even when sober. “Not this 'ole! It's…” but he is interupted.
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky does not like being disobeyed and brooks no argument. “YOU GIT 'ERE NOW, AND FOOKIN' KEEP QUIUT!”
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs “But…but…”
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky grabs Biggs by the arm, pulls him over and kicks him down the hole. Luckily Scumbelly and Rambunctious have indeed grabbed hold of the other end of the rope.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is not lucky enough however. It would have also helped if the Squats had thought to ensure that the length of rope available was shorter than the distance from the roof to the ground, but this is not in fact what happened.
Patrons enjoying the gig currently playing in the Zombie Goat all cheer as a Squat falls out of nowhere and crashes into the middle of the band, knocking the two fart-horn players for six - this is a good show that's being put on.
A certain drunkard near the back is given a second chance, but fluffs it by passing out from the shock of it and then passing it off as a bad dream.
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky shouts “Pull 'im back up!” Scumbelly and Rambunctious quickly pull on the rope - and fall over as the slack gives less resistance than expected.
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky kicks them both. “Oi! Git up you idle fookers!” and, ever the optimist “We'z gotta get 'im out before anybody see'z 'im.” Scumbelly and Rambunctious are up and start to pull in earnest.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is lifted up. But he has gained weight. The two fart-horn players took the stage crashing as an invitation to a fight, and, it might be argued, not unreasonably so.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs now has one player hanging off his legs and the other holding onto his head and trying to punch him at the same time.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is slowly hauled up, and starts to swing as the buffeting from the crowd knocks him and his passengers to and fro. One of the kittymorph backing singers narrowly avoids being knocked over.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs's human knot, er, Squat knot, er, Squat wrecking ball swings back and forth, managing to take out the drummer who gets caught up in the whole thing. The crowd go wild.
Members of the audience are starting to get caught up in the fun, leaping up and hanging on to the ball as it picks up momentum. Up above, Scumbelly and Rambunctious are finding that pulling Biggs up is getting harder and harder.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs's swings are right at their height when Scumbelly Perkins feels the rope slip through his fingers. Rambunctious Taylor manages to keep his grasp and is pulled down into the hole.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs et.al. go flying through the air and crash into the bar, knocking Termagent McThugger sprawling into the tables behind. Beer goes everywhere.
Termagent McThugger is knocked so badly she even lets go of the night's takings, clutched permanently in an iron like grip for safe keeping. Very wise round here. But not now.
Termagent McThugger's takings go flying across the pub causing excitement everywhere. Free recker! The number of fights in the pub diminishes considerably; instead of several small scale fights there is now just one big one.
Termagent McThugger herself is unable to put a stop to this with her customary authority as she is still caught up in the Squat wrecking ball which has the floor but is still rolling.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs' wrecking ball has turned into something more akin to a bowling ball as it crashes into the back wall with enough momentum to smash it to matchwood.
The McThuggers were sitting round a table having a meeting when Biggs and his fellow ball members smash through the wall and land straight on the table. More beer is spilt.
The McThuggers have slowed the ball down enough that it finally comes to a halt and falls apart into its constituent pieces, all thoroughly mixed up with the various members of the McThugger tribe.
The McThuggers are momentarily stunned. But they are Squats, and their natural instincts hold them in good stead. Soon there is a fight going on, which quickly connects up with the main fight spilling in from the bar.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs takes longer to recover, he's been whirled around as the core of a giant wrecking ball rather than just being crashed into by one.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs slowly stops seeing stars but can still feel the ground moving beneath him. Hang about, that's because the ground `iis`i moving beneath him.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs finds himself lying on top of a couple of sacks that have been left lying around. A couple of sacks filled with something nobbly and moving. “Wot thu fackz goin un?”
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs takes his knife and sticks it into one of the sacks. The sack gives him backchat. “Oyya! Fook off you dick'ead!”
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs won't take this sort of thing. He starts laying into the sack. “Don't you give me that shite you fookin' dick'ead!`0” Thump thump thump.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs pulls his knife out of the sack and notices fresh blood on the end. What's going on? Sacks don't usually bleed when you stab them. Only if…
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs stands up and, after picking up the sack, empties it onto the floor. Out falls a Squat, barely recognisable as Sarky Williams.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs sees before him a pitiful Squat who has spent a week tied up in a sack with nothing to eat. A figure so emaciated that its waist measurement is now even less than its height.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs: “Wot the fook! Oo are you?`0” But the figure before him has been denied something else as well as food for the last week. Something even more important. “GIZ A FACKIN' CIGGIE!`0”
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs “Giz you a ciggie? Iz you 'avin' a laff? You fink oi'm made of ciggies? You get your own ciggies you feevin fooker you!” “Oi sud GIZ UH FACKIN CIGGIE!” Sarky Williams will do whatever it takes.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is grabbed by the front of his clothes “GIZ UH FACKIN CIGGIE! NOW!” The fight is swift - Sarky is in bad shape, and soon he is waiting for the failboat.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs still has another sack. The fight rages on around him, but his curiousity gets the better of him and he empties this one as well, then falls back in alarm as an Impudencia Skronky falls out. A very angry Impudencia Skronky.
Impudencia Skronky is securely tied up and gagged. “Umum umum, um um UM UM UUUUMMMM!” “You Wot?” “Um um UM UM UM UUUUMMM um um um um…” “Wot you on about?`0”
Impudencia Skronky “UMUM UM UM UUUMMM UM UM UMUM UMUM” “Oi can't 'ear you! You'z got somefink in your mouth, and oi can't tell wot your sayin' wiv that there!`0”
Impudencia Skronky is well aware that she has something in her mouth and has in fact been requesting its removal. A request albeit hampered, as Biggs so astutely noted, by the presence of the very item who's removal is being requested.
Impudencia Skronky had also given voice, or tried, to the hope that the ropes tying her up might be loosened with a view to being dispensed with altogether. She reiterates her ideas.
Impudencia Skronky “Um um UmmmUmmm UUUMMM um umum UMUM!”
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs isn't sure what to do here. It seems that Impudencia wishes to say something to him. However this desire for communication is, as previously noted, impeded by the gag in her mouth.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs can't help thinking that communication would be greatly enhanced by the removal of said gag, and is almost tempted to do this. He doesn't however.
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs doesn't know why Impudencia has a gag - it's not his place to ask such questions. Impudencia is a Skronky, he is not. If Impudencia, or any other Skronky chooses to have a gag, then that is their perogative. Not to be gainsaid by the likes of him.
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky is still up. He gives his current adversary, Curmudgeon McThugger, a decisive punch. The fight is starting to peter out and when Big D sees Impudencia he comes over.
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky “Oi! Wot you doin' 'ere?” “Um ummmum Umm Umum um Ummum UMUM!” “You wot?” Big D turns to Biggs. “Wot's she sayin'? Oi can't understand 'er!`0”
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs “Oi don't know! Oi can't make it out, it'z that fing in 'er mouth - oi can't make out a word she'z sayin'!`0”
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky looks more closely “'Ere, she'z got somefink in 'er mouth! That's why us can't understand 'er! 'Ere Impy, why you got that in your mouth for? Us can't 'ere wot you're sayin'!`0” Biggs bites his tongue.
Impudencia Skronky “Um um umm um ummumm um um ummum um um ummum UMUM! Ummum um um UM!”
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky “Oi can't 'ere wot you're sayin' wiv that there!” “Um ummum UMUM! Um um ummum UM!” “Oi'm gonna take it out so oi can 'ere wot you're sayin',” and he does just that.
Impudencia Skronky “At fookin' last you fookin' DICK'EAD! Now FOOKIN' untie us!” “Wot woz you sayin'?” “Oi woz sayin' FOOKIN' UNTIE US you FOOKIN' dick'ead!`0”
Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs recognises the sure signs that Impudencia is unhappy and backs away. “Yes, oi'll just go and do that,” and turning, he flees.
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky “`QYou want untiein'?” “Of course oi want untiein'!” “Well wot you loik that in the first place for?” “FOOKIN' UNTIE US!”
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky finally gets the idea and starts to untie Impudencia. As soon as she has her hands free Impudencia vents her rage on the nearest target, Big Danny.
Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky is taken by surprise and goes down under Impudencia's blows, giving her the first advantage. But Impudencia has spent several days tied up in a sack, and still has her feet tied together.
Impudencia and Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky slug it out. Who will come out on top? Neither! They both end up on the failboat. And hence back to Squat Hole, which was the primary aim of the mission. So. Success! Sort of.
In the coming days, the Skronkys will analyse the McThugger situation and consider what action to take. But that is another story.
For more stories from Squat Hole see here.
For an overview of information resources on the Squats and Squat Hole see The Squat Hole Project.