Hawtons, Rands, and Exploding Your Eyebrows Off With Chance

On-site article: here.

_{Hooboy here we fucking go.}

Back in 20XX, a man named Doctor Joseph Hawton made the incredible discovery that chance was real. Like any other force of reality, it could be observed, and it could be manipulated. Finding this out was widely regarded as a terrible move and has made a lot of people very unhappy.

Hawtons are the unit used to measure fluctuations of chance on the Island. If 1 Hawton would result in you rolling a four on a six-sided dice¹⁾, then 1,000 Hawtons might have you rolling a seven. Such high values are impossible to attain unless one is observing chance via some sort of scientific doohickey, in which case improbable outcomes will flock to the event like seagulls to an unattended french fry.

This is why we currently have a Improbability Drive problem. The Doktor built the best possible way to stare at chance, and now chance is staring back and those seagulls are gunning for our eyeballs.²⁾

In gameplay-speak, the island has a Hawton value that effects the RNG³⁾ of almost every chance mechanic in the game. This value changes much like the weather does, but unlike the weather Hawtons aren't displayed on the game's user interface by default. You'll need an active Hawton Meter to get that information.⁴⁾

Hawtons increase the chance of unlikely game things happening. The higher the day's Hawton value is⁵⁾, the weirder your gameplay will be.

• Monsters hitting harder: They're creatures of chance. The more chance in the air, the harder your combats will be.
• You hitting harder: You're more likely to score critical hits or get the best possible outcome of using an item.
• Improbable events showing up more frequently: Expect to see Stonehenge, the Riddle Joker, Raven Inn, and free cigarettes more often while wandering the Jungle.
• Improbable events not murdering you as fast: Stonehenge might give you two cigarettes for a change!
• Probably some other shit.⁶⁾

• The /roll chat command: If you get an impossible result while rolling dice in Story or Banter, it's not because of Hawtons. You've spelled something wrong.
• The Dice Roll Contrivance: If a player-made place has a gambling minigame, Hawtons won't help you win.
• Item drops: Supply Crates (and Monthly Mementos that give eBoy items) aren't more likely to give you more items just because Hawtons are high, and you won't harvest more Meat from enemies.
• eBoy's prices: These aren't random, they're dictated exclusively by how much of the item he has in stock. Opportunistic little shit.

The island's Hawtons will generally do as they damn well please. If you find the game has gotten inexplicably, stupidly hard all of a sudden and you just can't stay off the Failboat, chances are it's not your fault. The Hawtons could be in the red for everyone.

Buying a Reinforced Hawton Meter, adding a Purified Artifact to it, and then equipping it to your bandolier will give you the option to use it during combat. Open the shutter, and your own personal Hawton value will be forced down to something fairly low, meaning enemies won't hit as hard. Close the shutter and the Hawtons will start climbing again, gradually increasing their attack back to what it was. Hawton Meters will eventually break if left open for too long, so getting into a good rhythm of flipping it open and shut will keep you consistently safe for longer.

Be careful not to break your meter from overuse, or by looking directly at it! This will cause a surge of improbability, breaking the meter and maxing out your Hawtons for the rest of the day. Unless your combat strategy hinges on you having very, very good luck for exactly one turn, or you plan on sleeping in a bed soon, this is rarely a good idea.

If you can't afford a Hawton Meter or don't understand any of the horsecrap that just came out of my mouth - consider taking a break from the Island. Hawtons decline naturally over time. Stretch, take a walk, do your laundry, and chances are things will be back to normal within a New Day or two.